I Can Haz Bloggedy Blog Blog?

Pwn the Painter

2009-05-13T22:48:00.004+10:00

The humans have made murmurings about selling "the unit" for a while.

I have no idea what this means, but they invited a slightly eccentric Italian man around to put some very stinky stuff all over the ceiling, doors and some of the walls that used to be like a colour palette.

He also put down some "drop cloths" on the floor. Maybe he didn't want any of the stinky stuff to get on the floor?

The female human kept referring to him as the painter.

Anyway, when the painter went out for lunch, I pwned those cloths.

I really don't like you...

2009-04-11T12:08:00.006+10:00

It's been a while since I could be bothered telling you anything, but I decided I'd take the lead of my slaves who seem to be posting videos of themselves being very boring with frightening regularity.

So, here I am, the ever joyful Maebh wishing my viewers a Happy Easter...in my own special way.

See you in May...meow.

It's Not Easy Being Queen, Part 2

2009-03-06T13:18:00.003+11:00

The Fabulousness That Is Me...continued

I really like how this shows off how well I look down upon the pitiful lives of my slaves...

It's Not Easy Being Queen, Part I

2009-02-25T22:17:00.005+11:00

My slaves have started ignoring me ever more frequently of late, sitting there clicking away at the clicky screeny thingys all hours of the day and night.

I even heard a rumour that since the male one has deserted Blogger he convinced the female slave to join him in telling a little bit of their story together...on the screeny thingy, no less.

It's time to plot my revenge once again...and so I bring you...

"It's Not Easy Being Queen : The Fabulousness That Is Me"

As you're well aware by now, I really don't need any words to convey my brilliance; it's those darned slaves that keep putting them in my mouth (you should hear the male one...he thinks I'm some sort of "valley girl kitty" or something...does he not know I'm British??).

So, let my words be few as I present myself in all my royal splendour...

Please share you thoughts on how I should label this masterpiece pic.

Neglect

2009-02-19T22:23:00.006+11:00

The humans have left me to fend for myself...again.

They've both been using those clicky screeny thingy's a fair bit this week, and have left me to lie on the female's nightdress under their bed.

I know it seems like this is in fact how I ask to be treated, but srsly, a kitty shouldn't have to put up with such incredibly poor performance from her slaves.

So here I am on the clicky screeny thingy myself now that they've gone to bed.

Don't they know that if I seem to be asking to be left alone, I really want them to play with me, and if I come asking to be played with, I really want food, and if I purr loudly around the food bowl, it's because I really just want them to get up off their fat behinds and pay me some attention momentarily...before I head back to the bed again. No matter how many times I click my claws at them (especially the female one), she just doesn't seem to get it quite right.

I know I sound like a broken record with all this. Which is funny, since I have no idea what a broken record is. I'm just going to have to head back to bed...again...after all, a kitty needs her beauty cutey rest.

Under the Weather

2009-02-11T23:03:00.005+11:00

Contrary to popular cat belief, I am not a sunseeking kitty. Sure, I like to recharge my batteries in the morning rays for 5 minutes, but after that, I require temperatures between 25-27 degrees Celsius. If the humans can't deliver that, then there's trouble.

Today was one of those days. Not only could they not control the temperature, they failed to control the weather either. It was cold, dark, wet and substandard.

All this moisture makes for fuzzy fur, not befitting my status. The female tries to brush me, which is intolerable. I'm a natural beauty and don't need artificial help!

They've tried to tempt me out with those yummy green treats, but they only seem to agree with my delicate palate on warm days.

Well, I'm off to find the warmest spot, even if it means slumming it. *Sigh* You just can't get the service these days.

Slaves - more blankets!

I'm Not Your Monkey.

2009-02-02T12:16:00.005+11:00

If it weren't so sad, it would be hilarious.

As I mentioned in my last post, I reckoned that showing affection to the humans wasn't so bad. Unfortunately, as humans do, they thought they could push it a bit further.

They think they can train me? To perform tricks? For SNACKS? Next thing I know they'll be bringing home a little piano and expecting me to tap-dance up the corridor with a little hat.

The female thinks that she's getting me to sit on command. I'm actually sitting in disgust at their laughable attempts at telling ME to do anything.

Still, they are terribly nice snacks that make me come running from whatever I'm doing to taste their fishy crunchy goodness. What a dilemma.

*sigh* OK, I'll listen just this once. But only for the male human. :-)

It's not so bad...

2009-01-28T22:28:00.003+11:00

I've been feeling quite relaxed since I decided my current slaves weren't quite as bad as I'd have you believe. By quite relaxed, I mean I now only spend around half an hour at 4.30am destroying property, singing, and generally being a kitty.

The rest of the time I sleep, or look lovingly at my slaves until one of them gets me a Greenie. Sometimes I even have to go as far as giving a leg rub to make this happen...but I don't want to do that too often or I will find myself getting bald very quickly.

Usually though, I only have to do something incredibly simple like lie here. Just imagine being this impressive, kiddies. I tell you, it's a hard hard life for da kitty...

Totally Herbal

2009-01-24T16:08:00.008+11:00

The humans have been quite agitated lately. I know that one thing the female slave hates is when it's too sunny, so she hasn't exactly loved the weather round here. I accompany her sometimes to the big 'outside' (and the male slave too) when it's hot, and watch the humans walk around with a big water container. I love water. I would say it's my favourite thing ever, apart from sleeping. And lounging. And ignoring.

Recently they have been complaining about how the sun is hurting their green spiky things. Now, I know I've had a lot of experience with a green spiky thing that used to live in the corner of the room, but these are different. They smell different. And they are outside. I usually test to see if they need water, and then order my servants accordingly. They seem to obey, which is nice.

To their horror, one of the green spiky things doesn't have many leaves left. They seem to think it was something called 'caterpillars' that caused such destruction. I've heard of them - green with lots of legs. And chewy.

Anyway, time for dinner. Now, do I have mint or basil on my Eagle Pack?

Mmmmmm, mint.

Too hot for da kitty

2009-01-22T07:41:00.004+11:00

It all got too much yesterday. I can handle heat in small doses, but there's just been toooooo much for da kitty. I know I blog about how hot it is quite often, but srsly, how much does one kitty have to take?

Meanwhile, as cool air blows from the box on the wall (which I avoid, rather perversely - a kitty needs something to complain about after all). I've been contemplating my fate over the past week, and I've decided I can actually tolerate my current slaves. The female slave has been looking at lots of less-attractive versions of me on the magic letter picture box (I always thought it was a 'puter, but never mind) and I was feeling a little jealous. I'm not sure what has come over me, but I've discovered can offer genuine affection to them and still get rewarded for it.

Who'd have thought? This kitty has a lot to learn....prrrrrrrrr

Couldn't Be Less Impressed

2009-01-16T00:49:00.004+11:00

The utter cheek of my slaves! I've suspected that something was up for a couple of days as they were sending each other LOTS of messages on the magic picture letter box.

The female slave was very nervous, talking about "getting along" and "being happy with each other". My greatest hope was that she meant their new owner, but I wasn't so sure.

The male slave came back from his glass box unexpectedly early, and they unhitched my carriage! Perhaps I was being transported to oversee the new staff!

But no, they departed with my carriage, without ME! At least I could be guaranteed some peace for a while.

The betrayal! Not only did they come back, but they returned covered in kitty hair that wasn't my royal fur. They've been seeing commoner kitties! The male one was so embarrassed, he didn't even come in, but retreated to the safety of his now-roasting glass box. Serves him right.

I gave female slave the 'talk to the paw' treatment after that. She needs to remember what I did to the last interloper that came in here. All kitties are not created equal, I am the QUEEN.

Anyway, if she wants to communicate with the outside world, she'll have to get past ME from now on...

Why must I wait?

2009-01-11T20:36:00.005+11:00

It's been a little while since I had anything to say. I have been moping. I know this is completely unkittylike, but I have a really good reason.

You see, my old slaves are still here. I have prayed and prayed in the shoe cupboard, but CeilingCat doesn't heed my cries:

"Why are they still not here? What have I done to deserve these slaves? Why, oh Ceiling Cat, WHY??"

All to no avail.

I even got out the suitcase and artfully sat in it so they might take the hint, but all they did was comment on how beautifully the lining complimented my eyes.

Of course it does, I am the cutest kitty in the world after all.

Still, I couldn't hide my disappointment...couldn't you just weep for me?

Cat On A Hot Carpet

2009-01-07T00:30:00.004+11:00

The slaves have been complaining that I make them work on hot days, especially the male one. I've sent him off to work elsewhere, and he has to sit in a glass box all day before coming back to Kitty Palace, where I have a long list of duties for him.

I'm not quite sure what he does in the glass box - all I know is that I haven't found it necessary to send him there for some months. However, he has been very disobedient (after all, it was he who removed my green spiky thing), and the female one keeps the Palace too cold for a kitty's liking.

They must be separated, because it looks like they don't like that. I'm still waiting for my new slaves to come - I sniffed a visitor today to examine if she was suitable but no, she smelled of puppies and cosmetics. My standards need to be met.

I will carry on ignoring the servants, and partying hard all night long. In the meantime, I gather all my running-around strength and watch...

We're All Going On a Kitty Holiday

2009-01-03T17:22:00.005+11:00

Almost. I've been spending a lot of time in the elevated garden lately. Unfortunately the slaves won't let me there on my own - something about me being "too nosy about the outside world". They always ruin it for me - it's OK for them and their two legs, they can look above me, even though I have four legs and am therefore, inherently superior.

Still, I have had several hours of sniffing and lounging, and secretly planning my escape. I think that I'll have to come up with a diversion...maybe my new toy that I discovered today. It is small, brown, crunchy with legs. I know the female slave doesn't like them, so it's all in the timing now...

In the meantime, I will enjoy chewing on the green spiky things - so much more tasty than the one indoors!

New Year Schmoo Year

2009-01-02T09:18:00.005+11:00

I just don't know what all the fuss is about.

The female slave (yes, I'll admit I call her mummy - it seems to keep her amused) is constantly asking me where schmoo has gone. She seems to be referring to a small leather mouse that I pretend to play with. Again, it seems to keep her (and the male slave, aka daddy) amused.

Meanwhile, I'm still sitting here on the window sill, waiting for the new slaves I ordered to arrived. I get so excited each time the current ones go out, hoping next time someone comes back it will be my new slaves. It never is.

So, new year schmoo year I say - when are the new humans arriving?

KittyArt

2008-12-30T12:17:00.005+11:00

I've always been an abstract kitty.

My slaves are constantly arranging things into a "nice" orderly fashion...but they never ask me about it, and hence it is my mission to ensure their plans for uniformity are foiled at every opportunity.

Of course, doing this while retaining my complete and utter cuteness is quite the challenge, but so far I've had 3 very successful years and there are many more ahead.

To finish this year on a high, I've attached some pictures of one of my finest hours...kitty-furring the carpet AND the simultaneous creation of some rather amazing graphic art - which looks both stunning and nothing like a kitty in a carpet roll. The first shot is of me in the midst of KittyArt production, followed by the finished picture (having also successfully covered the carpet in almost enough kitty fur to make it a shag pile)

I'm sure you'll agree it's incredibly special, and it must be worth a fortune. Maybe I can use the proceeds to get some new slaves?

My grand plan

2008-12-28T23:48:00.006+11:00

As it's almost the New Year, a kitty's thoughts often turn towards redecoration. I've lived in this abode for 3 years, and the slaves have made minimal effort to cater for my comfort and my tastes.

My last experience with painting was not a pleasant one due to the carelessness of female slave. Of course I'm within my rights to jump onto the kitchen bench, paint tray or not! Anyway, it's something I'd rather forget. I was smaller then, but now I can be fully involved with my grand design plans. As red is so my colour, I will demand that all the walls and furnishings are changed to this - and if there is any dissention among the humans, well, I'll have to use these pointy things at the end of my feet.

Oh, and ladders. A kitty must have ladders, everywhere. With little gold bowls of Greenies at the top.

Ah yes, I have some fantastic ideas for this place. But first, I must destroy everything in my sight or else the humans will just carry on living in this state, far below my requirements.

These blinds will be replaced with swag curtains if it's the last thing I do!

Well, if you didn't want me in the bag...

2008-12-27T09:06:00.002+11:00

...you shouldn't have left it out should you?

Shh...be vewy vewy qwiet...

2008-12-26T10:27:00.006+11:00

Goodness it was noisy here yesterday. For a start, the humans didn't leave the house all day, and seemed to spend most of it either making a big mess in the kitchen, or a big mess in the lounge room.

They also stole all of the boxes I'd been using as a bed these past couple of days. I was so annoyed with them - what good is it keeping slaves if they don't respect da kitty?

Both of them seemed to be trying to feed me quite a bit, and occasionally - when my guard was down - I would venture over to them and see what it was they had on their fingers. Granted, it all tasted quite good, but still...

...I'd had enough. I had to get away...but where...?

Fa La La La Meow

2008-12-24T23:52:00.011+11:00

My slaves keep bringing home strange packages, and leaving them under the spiky green thing in the corner. I've come to accept odd behaviour from them, but the worst thing is that they pick me up if I get too close. They really should know the consequences by now for robbing me of my dignity and freedom. A clue: it involves pain, and it's not mine.

I think it's because there might be something there for me, and they just don't want to give it to me. That must be it, they want me to be surprised.

Of course, I'll give it all my customary once over and then act totally unimpressed; that should really annoy them, and when they're not looking I'll scratch everything. I'll give them 'surprised'.

The female one is watching some people making screeching noises on the pictures-that-move-in-a-box. She says they are called 'Carols'. I think this Carol human is a terrible person to inflict that noise on my ears, and she needs to stop it. I'd say it was caterwauling if I didn't think it would give the caterwaul breed a bad name.

Well, time to go and chew on something electrical. Hope you have a Furry Meowy Christmas and a Hairy New Year.

sniff

2008-12-20T00:16:00.002+11:00

One hasn't been feeling quite up to par today. The slaves have been paying scant regard to my commands, and I fear it has upset the royal stomach.

Male slave has been acting strangely. He left his quarters at an early hour, exchanged some sickening affection with the female slave due to his new-but-old duties - whatever they are, they are not more important than me.

He has acted strangely since then, wearing strange apparatus on his head and making noises that would make a hardened kitty blush.

The female one has been carrying out culinary duties, but she failed to make anything for me, nor would she permit my access to the kitchen. It isn't dignified for a queen to go beneath stairs, but surely one has a right to add kitty hair wherever one pleases?

Anyway, after a harrowing half-hour upright, I retired to the royal sleeping quarters for a well earned nap.

But not after relieving my upset stomach on the slaves' bed first. They need to know that I accept nothing less than perfection.

Aah, that feels SO much better.

Hot in the City

2008-12-19T01:16:00.006+11:00

And I'm a hot little kitty! Some fantastic cat humour, if I do say so myself.

The humans were hanging about me all day, yet again. I can't seem to shake them off my tail, and all this kowtowing does exhaust a kitty so.

However, this warm weather is making them slack off in their duties, one of which is covering my throne with the official regal golden blanket. I don't really mind, but I had to punish them anyway, especially the female slave. Under the cover of cuteness, I wrapped myself 'affectionately' around her legs while she carried yet another unnecessary hot beverage.

She'll be cleaning that up for at least an hour, despite her pathetic complaints of a sore back.

I, meanwhile, will be reclining, waiting for my pedicure from the male slave. *sigh* It's a trial, but one must be at the peak of one's throne scratching abilities.

Hard Work

2008-12-18T10:37:00.003+11:00

The humans had some other humans over last night, so they were running around the house all afternoon picking up all the kitty fur I'd carefully laid out on every surface.

Needless to say I was not impressed.

However, being the ever-loving and compassionate kitty that I am (after all, I do allow the humans to continue to ruin my life by letting them stay here...I don't know why...), I decided to help.

I almost got half the hall done when I needed a lie down. It's hard work being a kitty...

Red Spiky Thing

2008-12-16T08:07:00.003+11:00

Yesterday I was trying to sleep when I was rudely awoken by the humans reorganising the lounge more to my taste...

They seem to do this every now and then, but I have not worked out why. Perhaps it is to try and pander to me, or perhaps it is their way of showing their remorse ?

Whatever, there was a spiky green thing that was particularly delicious, and created a new spot for me to hide from them. There were also lots of new long dangly things for me to try and pull on spread around the room, some of which required me to jump up to them...but my favourite was this red spiky thing. It ticked all the boxes:

1. red, which helps me look even more fabulous than I usually do

2. spiky, making it more likely I can find a way to cause injury to others with it

3. glows in the dark, which is just so much fun

4. lots of moving bits, so I can fight with it.

Anyway, I'm tired again now, and if I'm not careful I might accidentally show some appreciation to the humans. Time for bed.

Betrayal

2008-12-13T22:58:00.003+11:00

My parents finally went out again today. There had been so much water falling out of the sky these past couple of days that they didn't seem to go anywhere...they said something about being able to do all they needed to using the internet, which I presume is this thing I'm using now since I heard them talking about blogs and the internet at the same time...

Anyway, when they got back, I hijacked their camera to see what they'd been up to. You can imagine how disturbed I was to find they'd been out taking pictures of things without me in them...

So I grabbed that bit of paper they seemed to be holding up in all their photos and waited for one of them to pander to my cuteness once again...don't I look regal !

Life's Not All Ho Ho Ho

2008-12-13T00:18:00.010+11:00

Well, my humiliation, it is complete. I caught mummy shuffling around with some paper in the study today, and when I asked her to show me what is was, she looked all red and hid it. She should know that resistance is futile - with my powers of persuasion (which generally involves looking cute or doing something weakly 'humorous' for 5 seconds), she caved like an igloo built by a drunken eskimo. I could not have been more horrified - a homemade CHRISTMAS CARD?

She said it was to do with something called 'the economy' and was a 'money-saving measure', whatever THAT is. I was saving this shot for my kitty modelling portfolio, in case Rachel Hale or Anne Geddes called me up (although I would rather kiss a puppy than work with that Celine Dion woman). Mummy has butchered my best pose, and not only that, WHO is that imposter? We've certainly never met before, and let me tell you, any rodent entering my domain would get a stern talking to. I'd never eat them, ugh. Too squeaky when you chew. And I don't wear clothes, never mind pyjamas. How dare she!

It's just as well mummy doesn't get paid to be my slave, as I'd have to deduct some. As it is, I'll have to shred some furniture to vent instead of sleeping some more. Hmmph.

It's mine

2008-12-12T00:21:00.009+11:00

So tonight the humans decided that they wanted the doona back (or duvet as mummy quaintly calls it...what the??)

I told them in no uncertain terms (mainly with my menacing face and outstretched paw) that recovery would mean instant dismissal.

They seem to have relented as I still have the doona in my possession...but for how long? What must I endure next? Why am I subjected to this?

And why are those humans still up...again!...?

?????

2008-12-11T00:58:00.006+11:00

Why are you still up at 1.00am ??? I am trying to sleep...! How can a kitty be expected to function in such an oppresive environment with any less that 23 hours sleep per day ?

Turn that light off and get to bed, you silly humans. Tsk - do I have to micro-manage everything ?!

Who do you love most?

2008-12-10T20:27:00.012+11:00

I iz constantly beeind ahst dis kwestshun...

But as I'm both lazy and far more literate than your average LolKitty, I'm going to use "da Queen's English" from now on.

My mummy and daddy, but mainly mummy, are always asking "Who do you love most...mummy or daddy?"

Like duh! It's obvious I love me the most...cos I'm da kitty. I keep on telling them every time they ask the stoopid question. Why won't they listen? I can't keep this cutey cute cute face up forever...it hurts...and I need to go to sleep.

They are always wondering why I spend so much time sleeping...mmmm...sleeeeeep.