Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I've always been an abstract kitty.

My slaves are constantly arranging things into a "nice" orderly fashion...but they never ask me about it, and hence it is my mission to ensure their plans for uniformity are foiled at every opportunity.

Of course, doing this while retaining my complete and utter cuteness is quite the challenge, but so far I've had 3 very successful years and there are many more ahead.

To finish this year on a high, I've attached some pictures of one of my finest hours...kitty-furring the carpet AND the simultaneous creation of some rather amazing graphic art - which looks both stunning and nothing like a kitty in a carpet roll.  The first shot is of me in the midst of KittyArt production, followed by the finished picture (having also successfully covered the carpet in almost enough kitty fur to make it a shag pile)

I'm sure you'll agree it's incredibly special, and it must be worth a fortune.  Maybe I can use the proceeds to get some new slaves?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My grand plan

As it's almost the New Year, a kitty's thoughts often turn towards redecoration. I've lived in this abode for 3 years, and the slaves have made minimal effort to cater for my comfort and my tastes.

My last experience with painting was not a pleasant one due to the carelessness of female slave. Of course I'm within my rights to jump onto the kitchen bench, paint tray or not! Anyway, it's something I'd rather forget. I was smaller then, but now I can be fully involved with my grand design plans. As red is so my colour, I will demand that all the walls and furnishings are changed to this - and if there is any dissention among the humans, well, I'll have to use these pointy things at the end of my feet.

Oh, and ladders. A kitty must have ladders, everywhere. With little gold bowls of Greenies at the top.

Ah yes, I have some fantastic ideas for this place. But first, I must destroy everything in my sight or else the humans will just carry on living in this state, far below my requirements.

These blinds will be replaced with swag curtains if it's the last thing I do!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Well, if you didn't want me in the bag...

...you shouldn't have left it out should you?


Friday, December 26, 2008

Shh...be vewy vewy qwiet...

Goodness it was noisy here yesterday.  For a start, the humans didn't leave the house all day, and seemed to spend most of it either making a big mess in the kitchen, or a big mess in the lounge room.

They also stole all of the boxes I'd been using as a bed these past couple of days.  I was so annoyed with them - what good is it keeping slaves if they don't respect da kitty?

Both of them seemed to be trying to feed me quite a bit, and occasionally - when my guard was down - I would venture over to them and see what it was they had on their fingers.  Granted, it all tasted quite good, but still...

...I'd had enough. I had to get away...but where...?


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Fa La La La Meow

My slaves keep bringing home strange packages, and leaving them under the spiky green thing in the corner. I've come to accept odd behaviour from them, but the worst thing is that they pick me up if I get too close. They really should know the consequences by now for robbing me of my dignity and freedom. A clue: it involves pain, and it's not mine.

I think it's because there might be something there for me, and they just don't want to give it to me. That must be it, they want me to be surprised.

Of course, I'll give it all my customary once over and then act totally unimpressed; that should really annoy them, and when they're not looking I'll scratch everything. I'll give them 'surprised'.

The female one is watching some people making screeching noises on the pictures-that-move-in-a-box. She says they are called 'Carols'. I think this Carol human is a terrible person to inflict that noise on my ears, and she needs to stop it. I'd say it was caterwauling if I didn't think it would give the caterwaul breed a bad name.

Well, time to go and chew on something electrical. Hope you have a Furry Meowy Christmas and a Hairy New Year.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


One hasn't been feeling quite up to par today. The slaves have been paying scant regard to my commands, and I fear it has upset the royal stomach.

Male slave has been acting strangely. He left his quarters at an early hour, exchanged some sickening affection with the female slave due to his new-but-old duties - whatever they are, they are not more important than me.

He has acted strangely since then, wearing strange apparatus on his head and making noises that would make a hardened kitty blush.

The female one has been carrying out culinary duties, but she failed to make anything for me, nor would she permit my access to the kitchen. It isn't dignified for a queen to go beneath stairs, but surely one has a right to add kitty hair wherever one pleases?

Anyway, after a harrowing half-hour upright, I retired to the royal sleeping quarters for a well earned nap.

But not after relieving my upset stomach on the slaves' bed first. They need to know that I accept nothing less than perfection.

Aah, that feels SO much better.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Hot in the City

And I'm a hot little kitty! Some fantastic cat humour, if I do say so myself.

The humans were hanging about me all day, yet again. I can't seem to shake them off my tail, and all this kowtowing does exhaust a kitty so.

However, this warm weather is making them slack off in their duties, one of which is covering my throne with the official regal golden blanket. I don't really mind, but I had to punish them anyway, especially the female slave. Under the cover of cuteness, I wrapped myself 'affectionately' around her legs while she carried yet another unnecessary hot beverage.

She'll be cleaning that up for at least an hour, despite her pathetic complaints of a sore back.

I, meanwhile, will be reclining, waiting for my pedicure from the male slave. *sigh* It's a trial, but one must be at the peak of one's throne scratching abilities.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Hard Work

The humans had some other humans over last night, so they were running around the house all afternoon picking up all the kitty fur I'd carefully laid out on every surface.

Needless to say I was not impressed.

However, being the ever-loving and compassionate kitty that I am (after all, I do allow the humans to continue to ruin my life by letting them stay here...I don't know why...), I decided to help.

I almost got half the hall done when I needed a lie down.  It's hard work being a kitty...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Red Spiky Thing

Yesterday I was trying to sleep when I was rudely awoken by the humans reorganising the lounge more to my taste...

They seem to do this every now and then, but I have not worked out why.  Perhaps it is to try and pander to me, or perhaps it is their way of showing their remorse ?

Whatever, there was a spiky green thing that was particularly delicious, and created a new spot for me to hide from them.  There were also lots of new long dangly things for me to try and pull on spread around the room, some of which required me to jump up to them...but my favourite was this red spiky thing.  It ticked all the boxes:
1. red, which helps me look even more fabulous than I usually do
2. spiky, making it more likely I can find a way to cause injury to others with it
3. glows in the dark, which is just so much fun
4. lots of moving bits, so I can fight with it.

Anyway, I'm tired again now, and if I'm not careful I might accidentally show some appreciation to the humans.  Time for bed.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


My parents finally went out again today.  There had been so much water falling out of the sky these past couple of days that they didn't seem to go anywhere...they said something about being able to do all they needed to using the internet, which I presume is this thing I'm using now since I heard them talking about blogs and the internet at the same time...

Anyway, when they got back, I hijacked their camera to see what they'd been up to.  You can imagine how disturbed I was to find they'd been out taking pictures of things without me in them...

So I grabbed that bit of paper they seemed to be holding up in all their photos and waited for one of them to pander to my cuteness once again...don't I look regal !

Life's Not All Ho Ho Ho

Well, my humiliation, it is complete. I caught mummy shuffling around with some paper in the study today, and when I asked her to show me what is was, she looked all red and hid it. She should know that resistance is futile - with my powers of persuasion (which generally involves looking cute or doing something weakly 'humorous' for 5 seconds), she caved like an igloo built by a drunken eskimo. I could not have been more horrified - a homemade CHRISTMAS CARD?

She said it was to do with something called 'the economy' and was a 'money-saving measure', whatever THAT is. I was saving this shot for my kitty modelling portfolio, in case Rachel Hale or Anne Geddes called me up (although I would rather kiss a puppy than work with that Celine Dion woman). Mummy has butchered my best pose, and not only that, WHO is that imposter? We've certainly never met before, and let me tell you, any rodent entering my domain would get a stern talking to. I'd never eat them, ugh. Too squeaky when you chew. And I don't wear clothes, never mind pyjamas. How dare she!

It's just as well mummy doesn't get paid to be my slave, as I'd have to deduct some. As it is, I'll have to shred some furniture to vent instead of sleeping some more. Hmmph.

Friday, December 12, 2008

It's mine

So tonight the humans decided that they wanted the doona back (or duvet as mummy quaintly calls it...what the??)

I told them in no uncertain terms (mainly with my menacing face and outstretched paw) that recovery would mean instant dismissal.

They seem to have relented as I still have the doona in my possession...but for how long? What must I endure next? Why am I subjected to this?

And why are those humans still up...again!...?

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Why are you still up at 1.00am ???  I am trying to sleep...!  How can a kitty be expected to function in such an oppresive environment with any less that 23 hours sleep per day ?

Turn that light off and get to bed, you silly humans.  Tsk - do I have to micro-manage everything ?!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Who do you love most?

I iz constantly beeind ahst dis kwestshun...

But as I'm both lazy and far more literate than your average LolKitty, I'm going to use "da Queen's English" from now on.

My mummy and daddy, but mainly mummy, are always asking "Who do you love most...mummy or daddy?"

Like duh!  It's obvious I love me the most...cos I'm da kitty.  I keep on telling them every time they ask the stoopid question.  Why won't they listen?  I can't keep this cutey cute cute face up forever...it hurts...and I need to go to sleep.

They are always wondering why I spend so much time sleeping...mmmm...sleeeeeep.