Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Pwn the Painter

The humans have made murmurings about selling "the unit" for a while.

I have no idea what this means, but they invited a slightly eccentric Italian man around to put some very stinky stuff all over the ceiling, doors and some of the walls that used to be like a colour palette.

He also put down some "drop cloths" on the floor. Maybe he didn't want any of the stinky stuff to get on the floor?

The female human kept referring to him as the painter.

Anyway, when the painter went out for lunch, I pwned those cloths.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I really don't like you...

It's been a while since I could be bothered telling you anything, but I decided I'd take the lead of my slaves who seem to be posting videos of themselves being very boring with frightening regularity.

So, here I am, the ever joyful Maebh wishing my viewers a Happy my own special way.

See you in May...meow.

Friday, March 6, 2009

It's Not Easy Being Queen, Part 2

The Fabulousness That Is Me...continued

I really like how this shows off how well I look down upon the pitiful lives of my slaves...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It's Not Easy Being Queen, Part I

My slaves have started ignoring me ever more frequently of late, sitting there clicking away at the clicky screeny thingys all hours of the day and night.

I even heard a rumour that since the male one has deserted Blogger he convinced the female slave to join him in telling a little bit of their story together...on the screeny thingy, no less.

It's time to plot my revenge once again...and so I bring you...

"It's Not Easy Being Queen : The Fabulousness That Is Me"

As you're well aware by now, I really don't need any words to convey my brilliance; it's those darned slaves that keep putting them in my mouth (you should hear the male one...he thinks I'm some sort of "valley girl kitty" or something...does he not know I'm British??).

So, let my words be few as I present myself in all my royal splendour...

Please share you thoughts on how I should label this masterpiece pic.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


The humans have left me to fend for myself...again.

They've both been using those clicky screeny thingy's a fair bit this week, and have left me to lie on the female's nightdress under their bed.

I know it seems like this is in fact how I ask to be treated, but srsly, a kitty shouldn't have to put up with such incredibly poor performance from her slaves.

So here I am on the clicky screeny thingy myself now that they've gone to bed.

Don't they know that if I seem to be asking to be left alone, I really want them to play with me, and if I come asking to be played with, I really want food, and if I purr loudly around the food bowl, it's because I really just want them to get up off their fat behinds and pay me some attention momentarily...before I head back to the bed again. No matter how many times I click my claws at them (especially the female one), she just doesn't seem to get it quite right.

I know I sound like a broken record with all this. Which is funny, since I have no idea what a broken record is. I'm just going to have to head back to bed...again...after all, a kitty needs her beauty cutey rest.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Under the Weather

Contrary to popular cat belief, I am not a sunseeking kitty. Sure, I like to recharge my batteries in the morning rays for 5 minutes, but after that, I require temperatures between 25-27 degrees Celsius. If the humans can't deliver that, then there's trouble.

Today was one of those days. Not only could they not control the temperature, they failed to control the weather either. It was cold, dark, wet and substandard.

All this moisture makes for fuzzy fur, not befitting my status. The female tries to brush me, which is intolerable. I'm a natural beauty and don't need artificial help!

They've tried to tempt me out with those yummy green treats, but they only seem to agree with my delicate palate on warm days.

Well, I'm off to find the warmest spot, even if it means slumming it. *Sigh* You just can't get the service these days.

Slaves - more blankets!

Monday, February 2, 2009

I'm Not Your Monkey.

If it weren't so sad, it would be hilarious.

As I mentioned in my last post, I reckoned that showing affection to the humans wasn't so bad. Unfortunately, as humans do, they thought they could push it a bit further.

They think they can train me? To perform tricks? For SNACKS? Next thing I know they'll be bringing home a little piano and expecting me to tap-dance up the corridor with a little hat.

The female thinks that she's getting me to sit on command. I'm actually sitting in disgust at their laughable attempts at telling ME to do anything.

Still, they are terribly nice snacks that make me come running from whatever I'm doing to taste their fishy crunchy goodness. What a dilemma.

*sigh* OK, I'll listen just this once. But only for the male human. :-)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It's not so bad...

I've been feeling quite relaxed since I decided my current slaves weren't quite as bad as I'd have you believe. By quite relaxed, I mean I now only spend around half an hour at 4.30am destroying property, singing, and generally being a kitty.

The rest of the time I sleep, or look lovingly at my slaves until one of them gets me a Greenie. Sometimes I even have to go as far as giving a leg rub to make this happen...but I don't want to do that too often or I will find myself getting bald very quickly.

Usually though, I only have to do something incredibly simple like lie here. Just imagine being this impressive, kiddies. I tell you, it's a hard hard life for da kitty...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Totally Herbal

The humans have been quite agitated lately. I know that one thing the female slave hates is when it's too sunny, so she hasn't exactly loved the weather round here. I accompany her sometimes to the big 'outside' (and the male slave too) when it's hot, and watch the humans walk around with a big water container. I love water. I would say it's my favourite thing ever, apart from sleeping. And lounging. And ignoring.

Recently they have been complaining about how the sun is hurting their green spiky things. Now, I know I've had a lot of experience with a green spiky thing that used to live in the corner of the room, but these are different. They smell different. And they are outside. I usually test to see if th
ey need water, and then order my servants accordingly. They seem to obey, which is nice.

To their horror, one of the green spiky things doesn't have many leaves left. They seem to think it was something called 'caterpillars' that caused such destruction. I've heard of them - green with lots of legs. And chewy.

Anyway, time for dinner. Now, do I have mint or basil on my Eagle Pack?

Mmmmmm, mint.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Too hot for da kitty

It all got too much yesterday. I can handle heat in small doses, but there's just been toooooo much for da kitty. I know I blog about how hot it is quite often, but srsly, how much does one kitty have to take?

Meanwhile, as cool air blows from the box on the wall (which I avoid, rather perversely - a kitty needs something to complain about after all). I've been contemplating my fate over the past week, and I've decided I can actually tolerate my current slaves. The female slave has been looking at lots of less-attractive versions of me on the magic letter picture box (I always thought it was a 'puter, but never mind) and I was feeling a little jealous. I'm not sure what has come over me, but I've discovered can offer genuine affection to them and still get rewarded for it.

Who'd have thought? This kitty has a lot to learn....prrrrrrrrr

Friday, January 16, 2009

Couldn't Be Less Impressed

The utter cheek of my slaves! I've suspected that something was up for a couple of days as they were sending each other LOTS of messages on the magic picture letter box.

The female slave was very nervous, talking about "getting along" and "being happy with each other". My greatest hope was that she meant their new owner, but I wasn't so sure.

The male slave came back from his glass box unexpectedly early, and they unhitched my carriage! Perhaps I was being transported to oversee the new staff!

But no, they departed with my carriage, without ME! At least I could be guaranteed some peace for a while.

The betrayal! Not only did they come back, but they returned covered in kitty hair that wasn't my royal fur. They've been seeing commoner kitties! The male one was so embarrassed, he didn't even come in, but retreated to the safety of his now-roasting glass box. Serves him right.

I gave female slave the 'talk to the paw' treatment after that. She needs to remember what I did to the last interloper that came in here. All kitties are not created equal, I am the QUEEN.

Anyway, if she wants to communicate with the outside world, she'll have to get past ME from now on...

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Why must I wait?

It's been a little while since I had anything to say.  I have been moping.  I know this is completely unkittylike, but I have a really good reason.

You see, my old slaves are still here.  I have prayed and prayed in the shoe cupboard, but CeilingCat doesn't heed my cries:

"Why are they still not here?  What have I done to deserve these slaves?  Why, oh Ceiling Cat, WHY??"

All to no avail.

I even got out the suitcase and artfully sat in it so they might take the hint, but all they did was comment on how beautifully the lining complimented my eyes.

Of course it does, I am the cutest kitty in the world after all.

Still, I couldn't hide my disappointment...couldn't you just weep for me?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Cat On A Hot Carpet

The slaves have been complaining that I make them work on hot days, especially the male one. I've sent him off to work elsewhere, and he has to sit in a glass box all day before coming back to Kitty Palace, where I have a long list of duties for him.

I'm not quite sure what he does in the glass box - all I know is that I haven't found it necessary to send him there for some months. However, he has been very disobedient (after all, it was he who removed my green spiky thing), and the female one keeps the Palace too cold for a kitty's liking.

They must be separated, because it looks like they don't like that. I'm still waiting for my new slaves to come - I sniffed a visitor today to examine if she was suitable but no, she smelled of puppies and cosmetics. My standards need to be met.

I will carry on ignoring the servants, and partying hard all night long. In the meantime, I gather all my running-around strength and watch...

Saturday, January 3, 2009

We're All Going On a Kitty Holiday

Almost. I've been spending a lot of time in the elevated garden lately. Unfortunately the slaves won't let me there on my own - something about me being "too nosy about the outside world". They always ruin it for me - it's OK for them and their two legs, they can look above me, even though I have four legs and am therefore, inherently superior.

Still, I have had several hours of sniffing and lounging, and secretly planning my escape. I think that I'll have to come up with a diversion...maybe my new toy that I discovered today. It is small, brown, crunchy with legs. I know the female slave doesn't like them, so it's all in the timing now...

In the meantime, I will enjoy chewing on the green spiky things - so much more tasty than the one indoors!

Friday, January 2, 2009

New Year Schmoo Year

I just don't know what all the fuss is about.

The female slave (yes, I'll admit I call her mummy - it seems to keep her amused) is constantly asking me where schmoo has gone. She seems to be referring to a small leather mouse that I pretend to play with. Again, it seems to keep her (and the male slave, aka daddy) amused.

Meanwhile, I'm still sitting here on the window sill, waiting for the new slaves I ordered to arrived. I get so excited each time the current ones go out, hoping next time someone comes back it will be my new slaves. It never is.

So, new year schmoo year I say - when are the new humans arriving?